i know my story and as i go along it somehow allows me some sense of it all - i see pieces of the puzzle coming together, almost and even when i feel not quite falling in to place, a glimpse of some sense of it all is like receiving an unexpected gift...i sometimes foolishly, maybe not, believe we all journey with the same trials and tribulations but we all suffer different levels of the same and the ones suffering less don't understand why others suffer more - why me? or i'm glad i'm not them... or him or her... but the truth of it is, we all suffer trials and tribulations. we all hurt... we all hurt and that is it - how we face the world when we are broken is what makes the difference between us all

we get near enough to feel the burning
the closeness is unbearable
we know, we know beyond the pretty facade
we burn when we get too close, but not close enough
and then it hurts...hits the pride

but when we are close enough
we are close enough to break
break down and cry

our love is real, don't you know
we just never made it over
over that fucking tremendously pivotal climb
and it tore my soul to pieces and i was scattered
weak and felt so very lost

in a desert alone so void of what i felt
needed to survive

but i survived with my face down dirt
and began to rise

above the earth, the clouds
my pride, mistakes, bad memories, weaknesses....
name it...

i'm rising

Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

..you don't quite know yourself, until life brings you to the same place you've been to, more than once, felt the same lows and found yourself wondering 'why me?' or 'thanking life' for the lessons you think you've learnt'...and only when you're truly alone facing your aspirations are you able to understand what you're made of, who you are and then a new journey begins....and it's pretty beautiful, the kind of beautiful that makes you cry

i got in my car this morning with my mountain bike and headed for the bike track near me

i've learnt alot about myself in a few days - i have this great vision regarding my potential - it's on the extreme scale - i aim high, that sort of thing and i believe it so much that i'm already there...but the reality is i'm not - you have to do the ground work - the sweat and the pain come before the exhiliration of glory

i'm humbled...

i'm speaking for myself...

when i did a tandem 15000 ft above the earth, it was just an experience i can't really put in to words.... it's not just a physical euphoria - or rush - or adrenaline extreme - it's a way of throwing it all in to the hands of God - i refer to this as God, but you may refer it to whatever you wish...

i wanted to learn to sky dive

so i did a RAPS course - intensive training with my first solo jump

i did really well in my training and i felt confident during the day

this is my reason: i want to be taken high up, above the earth where everything looks so tiny, so small, so far away - to me, it's like i'm getting closer to God - here i am Lord - i value my life and i am grateful for the gifts in my life, but this is my way of proving my faith - it's me placing my life in the hands of God - and the thing is, with the risk factor, i know that whether i survive or not - God is

i got on the plane... i was calm.... but i was fourth place to jump

i wanted to be first place - i wanted to be the first to deal with the challenge

i was put in fourth place to jump

we reached 3500 and i looked at the first jumper and he was absolutely disorientated... but on 'go' and it's a loud aggressive 'go' he left the plane and so did the 2nd (with hestitation) and twists in his parachute - and then the third... and the third was the second's son and he watched his fathers' exit and his fathers' line twists and above that watched the instructors' face as absolutely serious and concerned as the 2nd jumper (the father) dropped to earth....... and i shook my head and said, 'i'm not ready for this'....

i felt a failure...

i drove home with visions of the day's events taking my focus away from my actual drive - i was in the plane... i was watching the reactions of the 3 jumpers before me - i was dealing with the challenge after the event... i was sad and disappointed and i realised my faith in God was as weak as it is non-existent

do i believe in God?

that is the question.. and it has nothing to do with what makes sense... i can read a million books on religion, i can make sense of facts or what seem to be facts.. but the bottom line is... when u are not in control of your life and death is a very real possibility - what do you do?

............ i'm going again

and will or...will not, tell you all about it

whatever it is... all my life is, a reason, a purpose.... this i know

in my silence and reasoning I am able to accept all your good intentions that now rest restless
in a distant image that shatters the logic
of a mind captive in pride to justify my failures

it is my own affliction thickened by my own choice
justified, possibly
but love suffers all things
i grew selfish when you left my side

its all in the lesson really or else we would all slit our throats